7 Habits of Couples Who Stay Married for Decades, According to Relationship Researchers

What keeps a marriage going for 40, 50, or 60 years? It’s a question couples ask at every anniversary dinner, and one researchers have spent decades trying to answer.

Two of the best-known efforts come from Cornell University gerontologist Karl Pillemer, who interviewed hundreds of long-married older Americans, and from psychologists John and Julie Gottman, whose research on couples has followed marriages over many years. Their findings are surprisingly practical. Lasting couples aren’t defined by grand gestures. They share a handful of everyday habits.

Here are seven that stand out.

1. They Talk Things Through

If you enjoy this kind of thing, Frenz Hub’s 20 Common Regrets People Often Experience in Adulthood is worth a read too. Communication was the top lesson in Pillemer’s Cornell Marriage Advice Project, which surveyed more than 700 people whose marriages added up to about 40,000 years. According to the Cornell Chronicle, the elders said most marital problems can be solved by talking openly, and many people whose marriages failed pointed to poor communication as a cause.

The average person interviewed was 77 years old and had been married for 44 years.

2. They Notice the Small Bids for Attention

We also covered this angle in 7 Habits of Men Who Make Great Husbands. Frenz Hub took a similar look at everyday life in 12 Things Nobody Tells You About Early Retirement. The Gottmans use the term “bids” for the little ways partners reach out to each other: pointing out something funny, asking a question, or sharing a bit of news. A partner can “turn toward” the bid by responding, or “turn away” by ignoring it.

In a study the Gottman Institute describes, newlyweds were observed and then followed up six years later. Couples who were still married had turned toward each other’s bids 86 percent of the time. Couples who had divorced did so only 33 percent of the time.

3. They Work as a Team

Pillemer’s interviewees stressed treating problems, illnesses, and setbacks as shared responsibilities, rather than one partner’s burden. Long-married couples tend to talk about “our” challenges instead of “your” problem.

4. They Treat Marriage as a Lifelong Commitment

Many of the elders Pillemer interviewed described marriage as a serious commitment meant to last through rough stretches, not just through the years when the romance comes easily. They didn’t pretend the hard times never happened. They simply didn’t treat those times as the end. For a related read, Frenz Hub has Work-Life Balance Demystified: 20 Ways to Navigate a Fulfilling Life.

5. They Share Core Values

It pairs well with our earlier story, 7 Things Women Wish Their Husbands Understood After Retirement. Shared interests help, but Pillemer’s research found that similar values matter most, especially on big topics like money, raising children, and religion. Couples who agree on the fundamentals have fewer recurring battles.

6. They Stay Friends

In presenting his book “30 Lessons for Loving,” Pillemer told audiences that friendship is as important as love in a long relationship. Couples who genuinely enjoy each other’s company have something to fall back on when other parts of life get busy or stressful.

7. They Keep Making Small Deposits

The Gottman Institute compares everyday kindness to an “emotional bank account.” Each time partners respond warmly to each other, they make a deposit. According to the institute’s overview of emotional bids, happy couples turn toward each other roughly 20 times more than distressed couples during ordinary, non-conflict conversations.

That’s not about expensive dates or big surprises. It’s about putting the phone down when your partner is talking, laughing at their stories, and showing up in small ways day after day.

Little Things Add Up

The lesson from both research projects is encouraging: the habits that build a lasting marriage are ones almost any couple can practice, starting today.