9 Habits That Quietly Destroy a Marriage After 20 Years

Reaching a 20th wedding anniversary is a real accomplishment. By that point, most couples have weathered job changes, money troubles, raising children, illnesses, and the ordinary ups and downs of life. Many people assume that a marriage that has lasted that long is safe from serious trouble.

But long marriages face their own risks. Divorce among Americans over 50, sometimes called “gray divorce,” has risen sharply since the 1990s. Researchers at Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family and Marriage Research have found that the divorce rate for adults 50 and older roughly doubled between 1990 and 2010, and it has stayed high since then.

Most long marriages do not end because of one dramatic event. They erode slowly, through small habits that build up over years until the connection is gone. Here are nine habits that quietly destroy a marriage after 20 years, and what couples can do to turn things around.

1. Taking Each Other for Granted

After two decades together, it is easy to stop noticing everything your spouse does. The meals, the paid bills, the mowed lawn, and the doctor’s appointments all start to feel automatic. Thank-you notes and compliments fade away.

Over time, a spouse who feels taken for granted can begin to feel invisible. They may stop trying as hard, and resentment can grow. Many people in long marriages say that feeling unappreciated was the beginning of the end.

The fix is simple but powerful. Saying thank you, noticing small efforts, and expressing appreciation can make a big difference, even after many years.

2. Constant Criticism

Every couple has disagreements, but there is a difference between complaining about a specific problem and criticizing a person’s character. “You forgot to take out the trash” is a complaint. “You never think about anyone but yourself” is criticism.

Relationship researcher John Gottman identified criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce. The Gottman Institute describes how criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can slowly destroy a relationship.

In long marriages, criticism can become a habit. Couples who notice it can work on replacing blame with gentle requests and “I” statements.

3. Contempt and Eye-Rolling

Gottman’s research found that contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt includes sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, and eye-rolling. It sends the message that one partner feels superior to the other.

After 20 years, contempt can creep in without either spouse fully realizing it. Small jokes at the other person’s expense, sighs of frustration, and dismissive comments can become part of daily life.

Contempt is corrosive because it destroys respect. Couples who want to protect their marriage need to treat each other with basic kindness, even during disagreements.

4. Letting Romance Disappear

Many couples who once enjoyed date nights and affectionate gestures find that romance has faded after two decades. Busy schedules, children, and routines take over. Some couples go years without a real date.

Without romance, a marriage can start to feel more like a roommate arrangement. Physical affection, flirting, and time alone together help keep the emotional connection strong.

It is never too late to bring romance back. Small gestures, like holding hands, planning a surprise, or setting aside a regular date night, can rekindle feelings that have been dormant.

5. Avoiding Hard Conversations

Many long-married couples develop a habit of avoiding difficult topics. Instead of discussing money worries, health concerns, or unhappiness, they keep the peace by staying silent. Over time, those unspoken issues pile up.

Avoidance might seem easier in the short term, but it can lead to emotional distance. One or both spouses may feel lonely, misunderstood, or resentful.

Honest, respectful communication is essential. Couples who struggle to talk about hard issues may benefit from a counselor who can help them work through them together.

6. Living Separate Lives

As children grow up and leave home, some couples realize they have been living parallel lives. They may share a house but spend most of their time apart, with separate hobbies, friends, and routines. They may not know much about each other’s daily lives anymore.

Some independence is healthy, but too much separation can weaken a marriage. Couples who stop sharing experiences may find they have little in common.

Finding new shared interests can help. Many couples take up hobbies together after the kids leave, such as traveling, gardening, dancing, or volunteering. These are among the unspoken rules of a successful marriage.

7. Keeping Score

In some long marriages, partners start keeping a mental tally of who does what. Who did the dishes, who called the in-laws, who sacrificed more for the family. Every disagreement becomes a chance to bring up old grievances.

Keeping score turns a marriage into a competition rather than a partnership. It creates resentment and makes both partners feel unappreciated.

Healthy couples focus on working together rather than tracking every contribution. They understand that marriage is not always 50-50, and that each partner carries more weight at different times.

8. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down during a conflict and refuses to engage. They may go silent, leave the room, or ignore the other person. It is another of Gottman’s Four Horsemen.

In long marriages, stonewalling can become a way to avoid fights. But it leaves the other partner feeling ignored and frustrated. Over time, it can create a wall between spouses.

Taking a short break to calm down is healthy, but it is important to come back and finish the conversation. Couples can agree on a signal for needing a pause.

9. Ignoring Your Own Growth

People change over 20 years, and marriages need to change with them. Some spouses stop growing, learning, or taking care of themselves. Others change in ways their partner does not understand.

When one partner feels stuck or the other feels left behind, distance can grow. Many gray divorces happen when spouses realize they have grown into different people.

Couples who encourage each other’s growth, share their dreams, and support each other’s changes tend to stay closer. Personal growth does not have to pull a marriage apart. It can bring new energy to it.

Why Long Marriages Are Vulnerable

After many years together, couples can become complacent. They assume the marriage will always be there, so they stop putting in effort. Life transitions, like retirement or an empty nest, can also expose problems that were hidden for years.

At the same time, people are living longer, and many do not want to spend their remaining years in an unhappy marriage. That is one reason gray divorce has become more common. Many people say these are among the retirement regrets many wish they had avoided.

It Is Never Too Late to Repair

The good news is that many of these habits can be changed. Couples who recognize the warning signs can take steps to rebuild their connection. Counseling, honest conversations, and small daily acts of kindness can make a big difference.

Which of these habits have you seen in long marriages, and what do you think keeps a couple together for decades? Many readers say respect matters more than anything else.